Sunday 7th April 2019: I have no expectations, and my anxiety is kicking in. I'm scared, haven't told my mum yet.
The flights have been booked it's just, can I mentally do it or physically get on the plane and go. I've buried a lot of grieve over the past 3 years and I'm worried going to Minneapolis will bring back all that pain in this trip.
I feel like backing out because it's a big step for me
Since I was 19 I had dreams but I couldn't hold this in any longer but I had this on my bucket list since 2015. I'm proud to announce that I will be on my first trip to America for Celebration 2019 at Paisley Park in honour of Prince. I'm so excited that I'm stuck!
It's the first time that I'm going and I don't know how to feel. I feel guilty because where was this energy when he asked me to visit back in January 2016, I declined because the weather was so cold. I didn't dare mention that I had no money after the Christmas holidays (because he doesn't celebrate it), my job wasn't gonna give me time off because I just had a break, my 21st Birthday was coming up and I wanted to be surrounded by family etc.
January 4th I started my second term during my second year in Uni with a contextual study due on Thursday 7th January 2016. I was busy and a mess. I remember it was a 5,000 word essay for Cinema Cultures on Independent Films. On this date I remember having a lengthy conversation as he was watching my HitNRun Phase Two album review, which he asked me to do back in December. Even that felt like homework but on a different level because I thought I has to impress him.
I remember Prince asking me " WAS IT DAY OR NIGHT WHEN U SHOT THIS? ", he liked writing in caps and ask questions to have some understanding on certain things. I answered day because the majority was filmed in daytime but I remember I did a vlog on the release night (Saturday 12th December 2015) of me sitting on my bed with a thesaurus looking for words to describe how I was feeling about the album in the middle of the night but it was too late to correct myself. Fast forward a week later between January 14th - 17th he announced the Piano and Microphone Gala. He asked "21ST: R U COMING?" I replied no because it was too cold. He replied " PAISLEY PARK IS WARM, WELL U'LL B MISSED."
So I promised that I would come during the summer after I found out that there was going to be a dance party series at PP. Was planning to fly out between June 11th - 15th June after all the fuss around is birthday it would be too convenient to travel before the 7th June. He replies "DULY NOTED". This was the first time I have heard of the term and thought he was funny but it was agreement that I shall visit my mentor at his home once I've completed my second year at university.
Unfortunately Thursday 21st April 2016 happened and all my dreams come crashing down and I have nothing left but memories and a unfulfilled promise. Three years later, I will be visiting Paisley Park to give my gratitude to Prince for allowing me to be me and more and to say goodbye finally in the right way and find closure in myself for not attending the PAM Gala back in January 2016.
I made to promise to myself on the first anniversary to stop crying every night but I can't guarantee during my time in Minneapolis if I can contain my emotions. But I will enjoy my time there as he would have wanted me to with my purple family.
Love, C.C. x